Braedra and I have been in the Outlands for about two weeks now. Things have been quiet and nice here. I’m able to relax, mostly. The last I knew, Verisna was still in the Ghostlands. Hethurin is supposed to let me know when it’s safe to return. He, of all people, should understand, and I doubt he wants Braedra and me to spend even a minute longer than we need to out here together, though he does seem to be accepting it a bit.
It’s occurred to me that I’ve never really had to pursue someone before. I’m used to getting more signs that someone’s interested. I guess that’s a side-effect of getting old. I’m not as handsome as I used to be. Being here instead of the Ghostlands has given me the opportunity to focus on her without distraction, and I think things are going fairly well. Again, she’s hard to read sometimes.
I think a lot of how slow we’re moving has to do with me, and there are multiple reasons. The first reason is, again, I’m not used to having to pursue someone. Making the first move isn’t something I’ve normally done. Secondly, I want to hold off until I’ve told her more about my past, specifically, about the times I cheated on Verisna while we were still married. Third, and I don’t like admitting it no matter how true it is, I’m afraid. I haven’t had anything work out before really. I tried with Verisna, and eventually, I had to give up. Nothing I did was good enough. I have to check myself from thinking that with Braedra. Sometimes I wonder if she’s just not happy with me and that’s why she doesn’t seem very interested. I have to remind myself that she’s here with me, and that shows some interest.
It helps that we have spent a couple of nights together. Nothing really happened then either, but it was nice to be close to her. The first time was in Shadowmoon, though I was too nervous there to really appreciate it. We went there to see the dragons. Hethurin had assured me that, although we might see infernals falling from the sky, the inn was infernal-proof. I was surprised to discover that he had lied. The inn showed signs of multiple repairs to the roof, and I had gotten a room on the top floor with a large balcony with a great view of the dragons. I was up all night worried. She stayed with me but fell asleep on the couch. I covered her with a blanket and sat by the balcony door in a chair. I might have slept an hour or so, but I know it wasn’t very much. I kept watching. I knew I wouldn’t have time to do much if one came towards us, but there are some protection spells I can use with the Light. My plan was to use one of them, and if it didn’t work, I hoped it would kill me and not her. I was ready to give her every protection I could. Luckily, I didn’t have to. No infernals fell that night.
The second time we shared a room was at the domes. Again, nothing happened, and we wound up both sleeping on the couch where we had been kissing. I touched her ears. Maybe I could have touched more. Maybe I should have touched more. Arancon would have told me I should have touched more.
But I still need to tell her about things I’ve done in the past.
I’m trying not to fall too hard for her because of that. She’ll leave me after I tell her. I could just not tell her. I don’t think it’s relevant, but Arancon might stop talking to me if I don’t tell her. He seemed to think I should just air it all out. I don’t even really think of it as being a bad thing, but then, if it’s not a bad thing, then why can’t I tell her?
I should wait until Verisna leaves the Ghostlands. I don’t want Braedra to leave and go back and have to deal with that harpy. I just hope the harpy is leaving her kids alone.