Things have been quiet. That has been good. It`s been very good. I don’t think I could have imagined things being better, not for me. Sure, I’m still dead. I don’t think there will ever be any way to fix that, but, other than that, things are great.
Relanos is growing well. He makes me proud. I got him a child’s fishing pole. He’s not very good yet, but he can tell when a fish is biting. Unfortunately, waiting for the fish to bite doesn’t hold his interest very long. Maybe when he’s older, he’ll have more patience and be less easily distracted.
He’s learning to talk. His favorite word is “no”. He knows min’da and an’da too. Karnum taught him to say “hello” in taurahe. He can also say, “Eloodoray”. I think he means “Elune adore.”
Tath has been talking about getting another baby. She wants a girl. Maybe she wanted a girl before, but we both like Relanos. I don’t know what I’d do with a girl. She probably wouldn’t want to fish or help with the plants all the time. I guess I could teach her how to use swords and daggers. Maybe I’d let Jaeyn get close enough to teach her how to use a bow. Imagine that, a girl learning how to use a bow from a boy!
I don’t know why she isn’t happy with Relanos, but I told her it would be okay. I think it would be. I don’t need to sleep so I could take care of five babies if I had to. I might go crazy if we got that many, but I’d be awake for it!
Tathariel and I took Relanos to Moonglade last night. It’s his first lunar festival with us, and probably the first time he’s been taken to Moonglade for it. They had fireworks and he really seemed to like them. I was worried that they would be too loud and he would cry, but he watched them quietly. He even laughed at them at times.
That’s where the night stopped being nice.
I’m not a mind reader. It seemed she kept hinting at something, and I had no clue what the hell she meant half the time. She refused to tell me. She dug up old feelings of being inadequate because of what I am. She randomly changed the subject, and it was all based on the past. Apparently some of her focus was on a separate trip that we made to Moonglade before the festival last year. I’d rather remember the good parts of last year, and let the nervousness, sadness and pain fade away.
What’s wrong with right now? I’d rather focus on the present.
I really don’t care to remember how I felt last year. I was feeling like less of a failure. I love her more. I’m less nervous around her father. Why would I want to remember what I felt last year?
At one point she started crying, and said that I said I didn’t love her anymore. I didn’t. How can I give the right answer if I don’t even know what the question is. She asked if there had been any changes since last year. I said some had, some hadn’t. That isn’t saying I don’t love her. I’m still not sure how she could even think that.
Do I not tell her that I love her? Do my actions not speak as well?
I’m mad. I’m angry because I wanted to have a good night. I wanted to enjoy the festival with her and Relanos. Why couldn’t she just ask plain questions instead of ruining the entire evening? I hate being asked vague, cryptic questions. I hate it mostly because I know she expects me to know what the hell she’s talking about, and when I admit that I don’t and I ask, she just gets mad.
I hate being mad that she’s mad.
I hope that next year, all I have to remember is how Relanos smiled at the fireworks.
Tathariel keeps asking if I’m okay.
I kind of am. I kind of am not.
My mother is alive. Normally, that would be good news, I guess. She offered no explanation for her absence. I was too scared to ask. She hates me because I’m undead.
She didn’t believe us at first. I don’t smell. I don’t look so bad. I might be a little paler than I used to be. I wore my goggles to hide my eyes. It wasn’t until she touched my hand that she started to understand that it was true. I saw the hurt in her eyes, but when I spoke she told me not to talk. I’m an abomination in her eyes.
I showed her my forms, hoping that would gain her favor again. She kept saying it was impossible.
I was hesitant to let her hold Relanos. She kept looking at the sentinels like she wanted to turn me in, but he is her grandchild. He may be adopted, but we love him. She’s my mother. She should have a chance to know him too. He started fussing as soon as she took him. Maybe if she comes to visit us in the glade some time, he’ll be more receptive to new people in his most familiar surroundings.
That’s if she comes to visit us in the glade. I have my doubts that she will.
I had wondered before if my mother would accept me as I am now. It hurts to know she would not.
Tathariel and I are finally back home in Desolace. Not much here has changed. They moved my trees. They said they had to plant them, and that they were in the way because there is a path out of the glade right next to our home. Maybe I can convince them that a small row of potted trees closer to the house would be okay. Relanos is moving pretty fast now. I don’t want him running out where he would be in danger of being stepped on by someone’s mount.
Phaa did okay watching Relanos. I inspected him and there weren’t any bite marks or anything, so I don’t think he’ll turn into a demon. He keeps saying ‘va’ for some reason. Hopefully he hasn’t suffered any verbal delay due to possible exposure to demon language.
I didn’t like the way the sentinels looked at me in Feralas. I didn’t wear my goggles when we went to pick him up, and I swear if I hadn’t been with Tathariel, they would have been doing a lot more than staring daggers at me. I guess they don’t know me yet. I hope they get used to me coming to visit my family there.
Terivanis said I need to re-do my bird feet drawings. He didn’t like the ones I did. Tathariel said I could study her bird form. I think he’ll know if I try to trace her talons onto the paper. I hope he doesn’t make me do this for every part of the bird. I got a note from him after we arrived home. He wants me to collect kodo dung for some reason. I guess I have to if I want to learn.
Tath and I are on our trip now. The dream portals may be closed, but they’re still beautiful. I regret I may never experience the dream. I wanted to for so long, but I don’t think it will happen since I can’t really sleep. There’s rest, but that’s different.
Tath really liked her presents. I loved mine too. She gave me carvings of druids, sentinels and animals. Now all I need is a twig to pretend to be an ancient and one of Kel’s old dolls to play the villain. We’ll probably be here a few more days. I think we’re both anxious to get back to Relanos. At the same time, I really like the time alone with Tathariel. I hope she’s enjoying the time alone with me too.
I’m sure Phaa is capable of caring for Relanos, but I don’t want him to think that we forgot him. We shouldn’t be too much longer.
We left Relanos with Phaa last night. He seems to like her. I think it will be okay. I hope it is. I keep telling Tathariel it is. I hope they don’t let Vajarra near him too much. She would be bad for him. Terivanis too since his brain is probably gone.
We’ll be setting out for the dream portal soon. I have my gifts for Tathariel. I hope she likes them. Relanos got his already, well kind of. He’s a little young for it yet. He’ll love it when he’s older and I think it will have more meaning to him then. I hope so anyway.
Phaa better not mess up.
Kel and Ornasse were at the moonwell last night too. Farahlor was sleeping. Kel said he’s been sleeping a bit longer than he was. I guess it’s not easy to always be awake for a baby if you have to sleep too.
I was able to pick up the stuff I ordered today. I had to go to the Exodar again to get it. I went after Tathariel and Relanos were both asleep. I took Bonez to get there. He’s okay with hiding in trees, and he was fast enough to get me there and back before either of them woke up. I didn’t want to spend much time in the Exodar too, so I’m sure that helped me get back in time. I was a little apprehensive about having those people make these things. They could have put some kind of evil magic in it. I think it’s okay though. Everything looks good and I can’t tell if there’s anything evil about it. I don’t think there is.
Now, as long as no one looks in my bag, it’ll be a surprise. I plan to give Relanos his present before we leave for our trip. I think he probably won’t think much of it now. He’ll appreciate it more in the future. I hope Tath likes hers. I think she will.
I’m a little nervous about leaving Relanos with Phaa. I guess I’d be a little nervous leaving him with anyone though. He doesn’t care and doesn’t judge me yet. I hope he never does. To him, I’m just like anyone else. He’s very important to me. I think Phaa will be fine to watch him.