I don’t know what’s going on. I thought something, then I thought something else, then I was wrong, and I don’t know what to do about it.
It would have been simpler if I had just said no all those months ago, but I wanted him too. I can’t help who I’m attracted to. Well, I guess really I don’t have many rules about that, but I thought it was just going to be sex. I mean, just sex, between friends, and I would have kept that idea. I don’t know why I didn’t. I didn’t.
I hate that I didn’t.
I thought that when we came back, he’d just go back to being with the boss. Nothing more would happen between him and I, but then we were talking about where I would stay, and he offered his bed.
So I was stupid and thought I was important to him. I’m an idiot.
Maybe it was from staying in that school. Everyone there seemed to care about the others. The headmaster and his husband, the frost teacher and his wife, and all the other people there with real relationships, and even that whore. That whore has a boyfriend who adores him. He must or he wouldn’t have let him get away with so much. I don’t know. I’m not used to seeing that. I’m not the type of person who knows people who adore people or spends much time with people like that, and I guess seeing people like that made me think about things.
At first, that whore was so afraid that I was there to hurt someone, and I guess I understand why now. I would act the same way if some of my old colleagues showed up in the shop. I am glad there is little chance of that happening. He was watching out for them because he knows they are worth protecting. Or something. I don’t know. I’m not good at these sorts of feelings yet.
I guess the only relationship I had before was Syrina. Well, the only one I remember very well. I know my mother loved me, despite Syrina always saying she was part of abandoning me to the Row. She wasn’t. She couldn’t be. I remember her. I remember things, and I don’t think I made those things up in my head, but they all seem so distant.
Syrina wasn’t a good relationship, and I think I realized that while I was at the school. I never had anyone ask me what I want. I was allowed to stay there because I said I wanted to. I lied and said I was a mage student, and I never felt bad for making things up before, but I do feel bad for lying to them, and not just because I had to wear a robe.
I hate robes.
Anyway, I was already thinking about that, and how Syrina was wrong when she said no one would ever love me because I’m just a boy from Murder Row. She’s wrong that I’d only be good for one thing too. So it was already on my mind when we came home, but I still thought it was just sex, so it was strange when he said he wanted me in his bed. I thought I had a chance at a real relationship. Maybe, like the whore, someone adored me.
Except I was wrong.
He still goes to the boss too.
He said he’s not keeping me in his bed to just be there when the boss isn’t there for him, but I don’t know what else it is.
I was really upset the first night. I went out. I don’t know what happened. I don’t feel these things normally. I didn’t want to stay in the city. I just wanted to get away, so I scaled the wall. I wound up in a small village inn. I ordered a couple of drinks, but I had just ordered my third when a gnome walked by the table and started screaming about a blood elf and pointing at me. There was a guard by the door, so I had only one way out. I ran up to the room I had rented for the night and jumped out the window. Then I ran behind the inn, but there was a lake there and it smelled. I slipped in the mud, and I think there was murloc slime mixed in it. It was that point that I realized I didn’t know where to go, so I just kept running, except I ran right back to the city wall. I figured it would be safer in the city where the guards aren’t looking for me rather than stay in the woods where the guards were searching. So, I climbed up the wall again, and of course, my luck took another bad turn and there was a guard patrol just a short distance off. There were only two of them, but they called for me to halt. I put my hands up and let them get close thinking I could just disable them long enough to get away. When they got close enough, I grabbed my daggers. I gave the first one a couple of painful, but not mortal, wounds, but in the fight, my hat was knocked off. So the other saw my ears and eyes. I had to kill him. I don’t think the first one saw as he was too busy being in pain.
So I climbed down the wall and made my way to an alley. I didn’t feel like going back to the shop just yet, but I was tired, so I found a wooden crate with a snoring drunk sleeping inside it. I made sure my hat was on good and slept just outside of the crate for a bit. Then I went back home. I guess I figured out that I kind of have nowhere else to go.
I don’t think they even noticed I was gone. No one asked, and Harrier seemed surprised when I told him.
He said it was dangerous. Living in Stormwind is dangerous, for me anyway. I suppose it’s safer than living in Silvermoon, but still. I know the risks, and maybe what I did was reckless. I don’t see why he cares anyway.
I thought he wouldn’t want me anymore. We went to give the book to that mage, and I thought maybe I could buy a nice small place somewhere. But then I told him that and he seemed confused why. I don’t know. Maybe I still should. He has feelings for her and they’re not going away. I don’t know where that leaves me in all of this. I told him I want to be with him, but I still don’t really know what’s going on. I guess it’s better if I think of it as just sex. No one will ever love me. Syrina was right.
I hate when Syrina’s right.